Learning to Relax
I need to learn how to relax. I’m not sure, physically, how to do it.
I carry stress physically. It starts in my shoulders and moves down my spine. I feel the tension in my muscles start to feel like new bones. Lately, I’ve found that I am always clenching my jaw. Every thirty seconds or so, I readjust it, but it’s always clenched again when I check again.
I also never stop thinking. I have several trains of thought going at the same time, although many of the tracks are really just loops, turning around the same few problems continually with no progress. But I can’t stop them. All trains moving, all the time.
The stress of constant thinking goes back to my body again: I can’t stop moving my legs. I lose sleep at night, rolling over the same few thoughts at varying volumes, never allowed to quit moving my body.
I’ve found some ways to work around these problems. Listening to music helps me write. I listen to it loud. I pace around, mouth the words, and try to weave together my little threads of thought. I like being distracted by voices that aren’t my own.
I also use a weighted blanket now. It puts enough weight on me that it’s harder to move, so I wear myself out faster. The heaviness is comforting, too.
When I get overwhelmed about school, I’ve started to step back and ask myself if I would enjoy the work if there wasn’t a deadline attached. The answer is usually yes. It helps me remember why I’m in college to begin with.
But I don’t know how to do self-care, like the real thing. Not the symptom-treating kind, but the symptom-preventing kind.
I’ve been asking my therapist some basic questions about it:
“How much time am I supposed to spend taking care of myself?”
“Do I have to do it every day?”
“How will I know if what I’m doing is self-care or not?”
“Am I supposed to enjoy it?”
And then the big problem: “It’s just too time consuming.”
At this, she laughed and said what no one wants to hear from an experienced therapist: “I’ve never heard that one before.”
I’ve been trying lately to work self-care, whatever it is, into my schedule. Taking breaks when I need to. Walking around the neighborhood. Listening to music and pacing around the living room. But I try not to let it take too long.
There are things that I really enjoy doing, but it’s hard for me to let myself do them. I love sitting outside to journal, taking hikes in the park, and playing video games. But it’s a commitment to do those things. I feel like I’m not allowed to do those things, not until I’m done with all my work.
Which I never am. Because I don’t let myself rest, and I get burnt out.
So I make lists. I write down everything I want to be doing. I caught myself last week writing a list of things I wanted to do after graduation, where the only item on the list was to read in the park.
I could do that now. I could even do homework in the park, if I really feel bad about it. There’s nothing stopping me from having a good time but my own brain telling me I’m not supposed to.
My plan right now is to add those good things to my list of tasks. I’ve started time blocking, which reassures me that there is usually enough time to both work and breathe. I want to clean more; my mind feels clear when my space is clear. I should also learn some stretches to work out the extra bones in my shoulders.
I’m not starting from a good place, but I think I’m starting to get the concept.
