Cramming Peace into Busyness
I’ve been trying to slow down more.
I’m in my last three weeks of college, and I have more things to do than I expected for the end. Some of this is due to my health problems this semester, which have set me behind. Some of it is because one of my classes has most of the work pushed to the end of the semester. The rest is because I forget to do things.
This is when I have historically gotten upset over the fact that I still have a body even when I’m busy, then proceeded to act as if I did not have said body in an act of rebellion against its neediness.
But I’ve stepped back this semester. I’ve started to emotionally check out from college over the past month or so.
Most of my emotions in college have wrapped up in trying to earn affection; I figure at this point I’ve either done it or it’s too late. All I have left is work, and that’s much easier than convincing someone to love me.
So I’ve spent a good portion of the past two days playing Stardew Valley, fitting the game into every break between working on final projects. And making breaks specifically so I can play it.
I’ve started filling in the gaps of my bookshelf, taking away textbooks as I finish them and replacing them with the books I’ve been wanting to read for the past four years.
Today I made Rice Krispy treats in the shape of a crow. They were awesome.
I cried at least ten times this week. To me, that’s amazing— having depression has made me grateful for that outlet, because I haven’t always been able to cry. I love that I can cry.
I’m trying to make more room for those happy things. I want to believe that I matter the way everyone else does. Making room for peace, even if I have to force it into my schedule, might just be the first step.
